


but at least the war is over

by WonderBoy



Series: Growing Up Ain't What It Seems [9]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Everyone Needs A Hug, Future Fic, How Not to Deal with Problems, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Miscommunication, and a therapist, brief mentions of blood and past physical trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 05:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14182089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WonderBoy/pseuds/WonderBoy
Summary: No one expected Lance to be the first to want to return to space.Least of all, Lance.*previously titled all's not lost yet





	but at least the war is over

**Author's Note:**

> One day I will add something to this series that isn't depressing, I promise. I don't know when. But one day.
> 
> Just a note, there's a reference to "Pentov" near the end of the fic. This is a made up planet, never mentioned before now in the series, but if you have read "in our bedroom after the war" it is the planet where Lance is injured on a solo mission. That's really all you need to know.
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> *I listened to In Our Bedroom After the War by Stars again because I have a serious problem and looked at this (and the song) in a different light so the title has changed from "all's not lost yet" and the lyrics at the beginning have changed from "Forfeit Tomorrow" by Citizen Shade feat. Lauren Light

_Gridlock on the parkway now,_  
_the television man is here to show you how_  
_The channel fades to snow,_  
_it's off to work you go, but at least the war is over_  
_She's gone, she left before you woke,_  
_as you ate last night, neither of you spoke_  
_Dishes, T.V., bed, the darkness filled with dread,_  
_but at least the war is over..._

* * *

 The bed is cold when Keith wakes up. The light in their bedroom is off, and it is still too early for the sun to have reached their windows, so there’s a blue tinge to the simple room. The empty walls are so different from the cluttered ones that made up their room on the Castle, he momentarily forgets where he is.

But the empty bed reminds him. His and Lance’s home. On Earth.

There’s a single chair next to the dresser, and Keith’s clothes from the night before are still thrown over the arm. Lance’s things are missing. Like they have been for the past three mornings.

Keith rolls out of bed, not bothering to make it up as he shuffles to the bathroom. He knows Lance hates when he does that, but it’s his own form of rebellion. If Lance is going to avoid him, he’s going to do whatever he damn well pleases.

There’s a sticky note on the mirror with a hastily drawn heart and a message from Lance from two weeks ago. When they had different schedules, they left each other messages so there was no reason to worry. Or at least they used to.

Keith wants to tear the mocking note off and crumple it up, but something horribly lonely that sits heavy in his chest stops him every time.

He gets ready for the day, because he isn’t sure what else he can do. He ignores the sticky note, because he knows the message hasn’t changed. He doesn’t call Lance, because he knows his cell sits on their bedside table, where it’s been for days.

The drive way is empty when he leaves the house, so he walks. The small neighborhood is eerily quiet, but as he passes the familiar homes, he sees lights on in most of the windows. He never expected to find himself living in a branch off from a Garrison suburb, especially after getting kicked out of the school all those years ago, but the paladins quickly learned they didn’t do well spread out across the country and found their way back to each other in varying states of unrest and exhaustion.

Just over the horizon the sun has started to rise, staining the dark sky orange. He’s just reached the edge of their little subdivision when he comes across Shiro on his morning jog. His hair has been shaved short again, and the shock of white in his bangs still blends in with the grey at his temples for the moment. He gives a wave, making a sharp turn to catch up with Keith.

“You’re out early this morning,” he says in greeting. His steps slow to match Keith’s pace before stopping altogether when Keith doesn’t acknowledge him. “What’s wrong?”

Keith runs a hand over his face and tries to ignore the burning in the back of his throat. If he _knew_ what the problem was, he could fix it. Instead of feeling so damn useless.

“Lance was gone this morning. Again.”

Shiro’s breath hitches for a moment. “Still? Has he been home at all?”

Keith shakes his head. He still can’t bring himself to look at Shiro, even as he has to squint against the rising run. “Two nights ago, he came home in the middle of the night, he woke me up coming into our room, but he just laid down without saying anything. In the morning he was gone and I haven’t seen him since.”

“…Have you heard from him?”

The lonely weight still sits on his chest, but something angrier is clawing its way up towards his throat. “His phone is sitting on our nightstand, dead.”

Shiro reaches out and places a hand on Keith’s shoulder. Keith wants to shake him off, but he stops himself and meets Shiro’s eye.

“Lance is tough. Wherever he is, he’s okay.”

“I don’t care,” Keith lies.

Shiro doesn’t blink at the angry snarl. “Yes, you do. Of course, you do.”

“He doesn’t care if we’re okay, so why should we worry about him?”

“Keith-”

Keith shakes his head, stopping whatever Shiro is going to say. He feels drained, even after just that outburst. “I know, Shiro. I just…I just need to be angry for a little while, because if I don’t…” _I feel like I’m going to lose my mind_.

Shiro squeezes his shoulder before dropping his hand, understanding what Keith can’t say.

“I’ll see you later,” Keith says and turns away. He makes it another ten feet or so before he finally hears Shiro’s retreating footsteps.

 

The conference room at the Galaxy Garrison is empty when Keith arrives on base. The coffee he got from the lounge is weak and tastes like shit but he downs the rest of the cup before tossing it in the trash. He doesn’t bother to turn the lights on as he slinks into the room. The dark matches his mood, and he’s not ready to be a productive person. He picks a seat near the front of the room, in the middle. Normally when there’s a meeting, Lance would pick a seat near the window because he still loved being able to look out at the world they had returned to, even after nearly two years on the planet. He also usually sat in the back, because he liked to whisper or write inappropriate things to Keith when the meetings got boring and they had gotten caught when they sat in the front.  

The memory should bring a smile to his face, but it just hurts. It’s only been a few days since Lance last spoke to him, but it feels like weeks.

The argument hadn’t even been that bad. It had started over something stupid, the dishes maybe, but they were tired and a cryptic message from Allura that her and Coran were returning to Earth had everyone on edge. But he went for a walk to cool off and Lance talked to his mom and two hours later they had apologized.

Keith thought that was the end of it, but the next morning he woke up to Lance gone and no note. The only reason he didn’t immediately panic was because Hunk called him a few minutes later, saying he asked Lance to run errands with him. But Keith should have known. Lance always left a note. Even when he was mad at Keith for forgetting the laundry in the washer until it smelled like mildew or was running late and forgot his lunch or coat at home, he always remembered the notes.

Keith buries his head in his folded arms. Students making their way to the main base for morning classes fill the hallways with noise. For a moment, he feels like a teenager again. The itchy material of his uniform is the same as when he was a student. And once again, someone he loves has left him.

The clock tells him nearly two hours have passed before someone joins him in the conference room, but it feels like no time at all.

Matt takes a seat a few chairs down from Keith. Keith is sure he has questions. About his new location, about his solo arrival, about how long he’s been there, but Matt doesn’t say anything. And Keith has never been so grateful.

Over the next hour, the rest of the paladins stagger in, along with a few officers who have been filled in on _everything_ , and finally Allura and Coran. He can feel the eyes pausing on him, alone, can hear the shift in conversation and hushed voices, but he ignores it. Momentarily, he wishes they were back in space, where he could storm off to the training deck and take it out on a few robots instead of sitting through a meeting like an adult. Somehow, things felt easier in space.

When the meeting finally starts, it’s Allura who takes the lead. Keith’s attention drifts in and out as she gives them a report of what’s been happening since she and Coran’s last visit, and the broader impact they had since the first time they had left the other paladins back on Earth.

Allura sighs, shifting her weight and exchanging a look with Coran before she continues. “I was…worried about proposing this next idea to you all, but after I had a chance to talk it out with Lance, I feel a little better about it,”

And like that, she has his undivided attention. She seems to sense it too, because she sends him an awkward smile from across the room. “I’m sure Lance went right home to talk it through with you,” she says and Keith _aches_ because he has no idea what she’s talking about, what Lance apparently should have talked to him about.

“None of you have to say yes, to any period, I…I feel horrible asking for any more of your time, but if some, or all, of you would be willing, Coran and I would like to have you back on the Castle, at least for a month or so. Your aide would be immensely helpful as we continue rebuilding what the Galra empire left behind, but we think the people’s morale might be raised as well, seeing the paladins of Voltron together again,” Allura ducks her head a bit bashfully. “And we miss you all, it’s not the same without you. Please do not feel obligated by that, however. Lance was just so enthusiastic when I discussed it with him, I thought it would be okay to ask this of you.” Allura’s next words stop half way out of her mouth when she turns to him again. “Keith? Is something wrong?”

When all eyes turn to him, he finally realizes he’s on his feet. He’s not even sure when he got up, but it feels like the least of his worries in the moment. “You talked to Lance about this?” he asks- _demands_ -her.

Allura blinks a few times, and it is clear she’s surprised by the question. “Y-Yes. I hadn’t heard for certain, but I assumed when he agreed, you wanted come as well…you didn’t know?”

“He _agreed_?” Keith suddenly feels lightheaded. “When?”

Allura looks around the room, as if someone could clue her in on what was wrong, but no one seems eager to interject. “Not long after Coran and I arrived,” she finally admits. “Maybe three days ago?”

Keith’s fists clench at his side until he feels blood gather under his nails-his claws-and his wedding ring pinches his finger.

He barely registers that he’s moving until someone calls after him. It might be Shiro. Hell, it might be all of them. He doesn’t stop.

The halls pass in a blur, people all but diving out of his way, but nothing slows him down.

He throws open the doors, even as alarms blare behind him, and the burst of cold air only invigorates him as he runs back towards the subdivision. His mind is racing as he moves on autopilot through the house.

 Lance’s phone still sits on the bedside table, unresponsive. None of his clothes are missing. Nothing’s gone at all, except for him, and the keys to their truck.

It’s still too cold for his bike, but Keith pulls it out of the garage anyways. He hesitates on the helmet sitting on the leather seat. Racing stripes decorate the red sides, and a there’s fading heart Lance drew with a sharpie on the front. It’s heavy and awkward in his hands, and he remembers when Lance bought it for him.

_“We survived a war, Mullet. I’m not losing you to reckless driving after all of that.”_

Half of him wants to throw the stupid thing on the cement until it’s cracked and warped. But he pulls it on anyways.

And he drives.

He feels frozen in no time at all, but he refuses to stop. The shaking speedometer protests as he pushes, faster, faster, _faster_.

When he stops for fuel and caffeine, the cashier in the rundown station stares at him with a nervous hesitance. He’s still in his Garrison uniform and a leather jacket, riding a motorcycle through the desert at 2 in the morning in early March. He probably deserves the kid’s mistrust, but he doesn’t have the patience for it. When he pulls out his wallet, something seems to click and the cashier gasps.

“Hey are you one of those people who-?”

He throws down a handful of bills and heads for the door. “Probably.”

His legs protest the moment he gets back on the bike, but the ache in his knees and thighs isn’t enough to stop him from getting back on the high way. The wind rushes around his head, but it’s not enough to drown out Allura’s words.

_“When he agreed,”_

God, he was such a fool. So fucking stupid to think everything was okay. He’d had eight-nearly nine-years with Lance. He was spoiled with so much time. How had he not realized before?

He just…

He thought Lance would at least say something.

His mother disappeared when he was still a child. His father passed away. Shiro was kidnapped. They all left without even a goodbye. He always thought, at least, when Lance got tired of him too, he’d tell him goodbye.

He’d tell him why.

When Keith finally reaches the ocean, the sky is starting to lighten, even before the sun has actually risen. The beach is quiet except for the push and pull of the waves, and for a moment, he feels calm. Between the drive and the setting, his anger feels like its seeping out of him, back into the land, and he’s just left with this hollow acceptance.

But then he sees him.

There’s a rush of relief, that he’s alive, so visceral his head spins.

But then the anger’s back.

It’s hard to run on sand, especially with his prosthetic and the pain in his knees, but he does it anyways. He’s not sure what he’s going to do when he finally reaches him. He just knows he has to get it out before he loses his anger again. Because after anger comes hurt, and he can’t- _he just can’t_ -be that vulnerable again. Not if Lance is leaving him, like everyone else.

When he finally reaches him, he’s breathing hard, and there’s no way Lance hasn’t noticed his presence. But still, Lance doesn’t look at him. His shoes sit on the sand beside him and his jeans are rolled up past his ankles. Sand covers his bare feet, and his hands sit lifelessly in his lap. His hair is a mess, greasy and tangled from the wind. He looks like shit. He looks like Keith feels.

“Were you even going to tell me?”

When Lance finally looks at him, it feels like something is trying to claw its way through his chest. Lance’s eyes are red and wet, and there are marks on his cheeks from tears that had fallen and dried long before Keith’s arrival.

“Keith?” Lance’s voice is hoarse and quiet, as if he hasn’t used it in days, maybe even since the last time they spoke.

Keith refuses to give in to the ache in his chest. “Or were you just going to disappear like everyone else?”

Lance stares at him, like he still can’t quite believe Keith is standing in front of him. And he still isn’t saying anything.

Keith throws his helmet to the ground, and there isn’t even a satisfying crack like there would have been of plastic against the pavement back home. Lance doesn’t even look at it.

“I _get it_ , Lance. Okay? I get it. I’m not worth sticking around for. In fact, I’m apparently so repulsive that you’re leaving your family again to get away from me. _Fine._ But I thought you at least would tell me. Instead I had to hear it from Allura?” Keith takes a ragged breath, and finally he sees something in Lance that isn’t just this empty shell that’s been staring at him. “I had to hear it from Allura with all her assumptions that I’d be going with you. But I won’t, will I, Lance? I’ll just be here, on Earth, while yet another person runs off into space without me.”

“That…That was today?” he asks. He looks at the water and back to Keith. There’s something frantic in his voice. “That wasn’t supposed to be today.” He scrambles to his feet, swaying unsteadily as he goes. Keith reaches for him, instinctively, and Lance latches onto his out stretched arm before he can pull it away. Even through his jacket, Lance’s hands are freezing. “What day is it? How…How long have I been gone?”

Keith’s heart stutters at the worry he finds in Lance’s eyes. He looks out over the ocean, to the horizon where the sun is starting to rise. “Three days.”

Lance drops back to the sand, and Keith goes with him. The sand is cold through the pants of his uniform and he suppresses a shiver. He still wants to be mad, but he can’t stop how he worries over Lance’s strange behavior. Lance drops his head onto his shoulder and he’s shivering. He smells like the sea and his favorite cinnamon gum.

“I didn’t realize I had been gone for so long,” he whispers. His hand presses against Keith’s chest, against Keith’s pounding heart. “I just wanted to clear my head. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Keith closes his eyes and fights against the wave of relief. Against the instant desire to forgive him. “Just tell me the truth,” he snaps, but he can barely hear any bite in the words, and Lance knows him too well to see through what’s there.

When Lance pulls away, Keith steels himself for the worst. But Lance turns to face him, folding long, cold limbs in awkward places until he’s practically in Keith’s lap. His nose and cheeks are red from the cold and his crying. Dark circles sit heavy under his eyes and Keith can’t help but think he should have noticed them long before now. They’re so dark, how could he have not noticed them before now?

Lance reaches up to cup his face, and Keith flinches, though if it’s because of the touch itself or Lance’s cold skin, he isn’t sure. But Lance doesn’t move away, or force him closer, he lets Keith come back to him, slowly. Keith hates how easily he goes. Lance’s thumb brushes over the top of the purple mark on his cheek. His touch is soft, tender. It feels like he loves him.

“Don’t lie to me,” Keith whispers and it feels like a plea as it drips past his lips.

Lance’s eyes trace over his face, like he’s trying to commit the image to memory. “Do you remember…after Pentov?”

_Keith sat in the middle of their bed, half draped over Lance as they kissed lazily. Lance was still restricted to at least twelve hours of bedrest, despite multiple bouts in the healing pods, and he hated it. But Keith was relieved he was out of the fight for the time being. The image of Lance ghostly pale and soaked in his own blood was seared in his mind. He’d do whatever it took to keep him from such a mess ever again._

_“Feeling better?” Keith asked, moving to brush a chaste kiss across Lance’s cheeks and forehead._

_Lance sighed, the breath ruffling Keith’s hair. “Will you always find me?”_

_Keith paused, sitting up straighter to meet his eye. “Find you?”_

_“You find me wherever I’ve wandered off to in the castle, despite everything, you found me on Pentov,” he reached up and tucked Keith’s hair behind his ear. His hand came around to rest on his cheek, thumb pressed against the peak of purple on his cheek. “You even find me when I’m lost in my own head. Will you always find me?”_

_Keith reached up, intertwining their fingers. “As long as you want me to, nothing will stop me.” He promised._

_Lance smiled softly, pulling their hands down to press a kiss to the back of Keith’s. “Then nothing will ever stop you.”_

“You found me,” Lance whispers. “Just like you always find me. I don’t want a thing…I don’t want that to change.”

The pain that’s been building in his chest for days releases in an instant, and suddenly he feels drained, and strangely empty. His eyes sting. Keith reaches up, just like he did in the past, to intertwine their fingers. He squeezes Lance’s hand, and it has to hurt, but Lance just gives him a watery smile. “Why? Why did you leave? Why did I have to find you this time?”

Lance closes his eyes but a moment later a tear slips down his cheek again anyways. Keith reaches out to wipe it away and Lance captures his hand before he can pull back. Bringing it close to his face, he presses a kiss to his palm. His stubble is rough against Keith’s hand, but he doesn’t dare pull away.

“I feel like I’m losing my mind, Keith. Like something’s wrong with me,” Keith’s heart aches with the horror he hears in Lance’s voice. “Up there, fighting the war, all I wanted was to come home. To see my family. Making a home and building a life with you on Earth…it sounded like a dream.” He takes a shaky, unsteady breath. “But I _hate_ that house. I miss _our_ room, in the castle. I miss hearing Pidge and Hunk tinkering away at all hours of the night. I miss listening to Coran try to explain something with bizarre Altean terms that _have_ to be made up. I miss being in a new place every day.” He turns to face the ocean, but even that can’t hide the shadow Keith sees haunting his eyes. “The other day, I had the thought…it just crossed my mind for a moment, but for that moment I _meant_ it…I wanted the war to still be going on.”

When Lance looks at him again, he looks afraid, like Keith is going to push him away, reject him, after such a revelation. “When Allura told me she wanted us to come back, I agreed before I even realized what I was saying.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lance’s eyes go to where their hands still sit intertwined against his cheek. “Your mom is up there. You could have stayed with her, but you came back to Earth for me. And now I’m not even happy here. I just…I just want to be happy. I don’t want to feel this way.”

Keith drops his hand to reach for Lance’s face, forcing him to look at him. “I don’t care where we are. We can go back and forth between the castle and earth every _month_. Or every year. We can go to space until we’re old and grey and Allura sends us back to Earth because she’s tired of taking care of our useless asses while she’s still young and perfect,” Lance finally flashes him a shaky smile and Keith matches it. “You’re my home Lance. It’s how I can always find you, because I feel that same crazy, restless, lost feeling when you’re gone. If going back up will make you happy, just…just don’t leave me behind when you go. _Please_.”

Lance’s laugh is half-choked by a sob as he throws himself across the short distance still separating them. They fall back into the sand and Keith tightens his fist in the back of Lance’s shirt, holding him close. Lance sprinkles apologies against his throat between soft, chaste kisses and teary sniffles.

Keith isn’t sure how long they lay there under the new morning sun before exhaustion begins to take both of them under. He urges Lance up, off the sand, and they stumble their way to the public lot. Only Keith’s bike and Lance’s old pickup sit in the grey lot. The truck’s leather bench seat is chilly, and still too short for Lance to stretch across comfortably, but it’s better than the sand. Keith strips to his undershirt, wrapping his arms around Lance’s back under his sweatshirt and lays his head on Lance’s chest. His heartbeat thunders steadily under his ear, and it’s a welcome comfort.

“I want to know,” he whispers into the quiet cab. “When you feel like that. Don’t hold onto it, not alone. It’s not something you have to deal with alone.”

Lance tightens his arms around him and tangles their legs together. “You’ll have to keep me in line,” he says, and his voice is lighter than it’s been all morning.

Keith smiles softly, closing his eyes. For the first time in days, he feels at ease. “Always.”

* * *

_We won, or we think we did,_  
_when you went away, you were just a kid_  
_And if you lost it all, and you lost it,_  
_we will still be there when the war is over_

_-In Our Bedroom After the War, Stars_

**Author's Note:**

> I've had the summary for this fic and the idea of Keith finding Lance on the beach in my mind, probably since I wrote "the smile on your face just like the old days" but I wasn't sure if I wanted to tackle it. Then once I started writing I realized belatedly that Lance just disappearing and Keith finding out he was going to leave would fuck with that poor boy's heart so much, even in a healthy relationship with good communication that kind of trauma just would not disappear so easily and this got way, way worse than I intended.
> 
> Anyhow, there may be a short part 2 added later. I have a scene in mind that I think would fit after what happened here, I'm just not sure it's necessary, or if I can add enough to it to warrant actually publishing it as opposed to just having it in mind. So stay tuned, if you so desire.
> 
> As always, feel free to come yell at me, request new things, or just stalk the progress of other fics on [tumblr](http://thathopelessromantic.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/wonder_romantic?lang=en)!
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


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